cigarettesmokeandexyracquets-de:

i was actually thinking about this the other day tbh (this got kinda long sorry im trash)

• so it’s andrew’s last year at palmetto and he’s about two weeks from graduation and neil says something like “how are we going to do this after you graduate?”
  
• and andrew shoots back “there has never been a this.”
• and yeah he’s been saying that for the past four years whatever, but then andrew graduates and he gets signed to the same pro team as kevin (if only so he can continue being difficult. it’s funny to make kevin angry.)
• and he just kind of stops talking to neil?
• they never texted much to begin with but there’s never been a reason, they’ve been together since neil became neil for good.
• but now andrew is completely ignoring neil.
• and neil isn’t sure why so he texts kevin because obviously andrew isn’t answering his phone.
• and kevin sends back: “he said he told you that ‘you were never a /this/’.”
• at the same time andrew texts him: “you were a convenience”
• and fuck that takes the air out of neil’s lungs. he knows andrew. he knows that andrew cared for him, that he wanted him, protected him, made him safe, and a tiny part of his heart whispers “loved him”. so this, this realization that andrew was only with him because it was convenient to be, hurts worse than any pain he’s felt in years.
• he’d welcome the dashboard lighter compared to this.
• so neil runs (andrew isn’t there to tell him to stay)
• he runs from fox tower, and then from palmetto state, and soon enough he’s almost ten miles away. his legs are cramping and his lungs are caving in but he’s not far enough. he’s still not far enough.
• so he keeps walking.
• he walks and he refuses to think, just let his legs take him away, but his heart is exploding and he kind of wants to just sit in the road and wait for a truck to run him over.
• he’s spent his life running to live and right now he wants to run into traffic. ‘is that symmetry?’ he thinks and a hysterical laugh bubbles up before he can stop it.
• the sky gets dark and then starts to get light again before neil stops. he sees a diner and stops for coffee, the waitress looks wary of him and neil suddenly becomes aware he must look crazy but he doesn’t really care. asks for coffee and to use their phone.
• “wymack.”
  
• “i need you to come get me.”
  
• “neil? where the fuck are you? we’ve been looking for you all night.”
  
• “i don’t know i-” he asks the waitress where he is and she raises an eyebrow but tells him. he tells coach.
  
• “that’s almost thirty miles away neil how the fuck-”
  
• “i walked”
  
• there’s cursing from the other end of the line “of course you did. motherfu- i’m coming to get you, stay there.”
• so neil waits and lets his coffee get cold.
• coach takes him back to palmetto and has him stay in his apartment for at least a week. of course he’s gotta keep an eye on neil now, make sure he doesn’t go for any more “midnight strolls”.
• and neil keeps practicing exy, leading his team, playing games…but he needs help from his co captain because he’s gone selectively mute.
• (andrew is a lot of the glue keeping neil together and without him neil unravels)
• his nightmares come back and get worse. his roommates complain to coach that neil’s screaming keeps them up at night so wymack tries to get neil to see betsy. (of course that becomes and hour of betsy chattering away and neil just staring at the wall behind her. she mentions andrew once and he walks out, so she doesn’t talk about andrew anymore.)
• it lasts about a month or two before neil is barking orders across the exy court. his team is ecstatic to have their captain back again. neil only talks about exy. (andrew’s voice in his head tells him that’s all he could ever talk about in the first place but he fervently tells it to shut up.) 
• neil goes up on the roof sometimes. he’ll light a cigarette and let it burn out next to him. sometimes he stares up at the stars. sometimes he stares that the ground. sometimes he wants to jump. (”i’d pull you down with me.”)
• they’re on christmas break. neil stays at palmetto even though matt invited him to visit him and dan, and renee invited him to see her and allison. (he still doesn’t talk alot and doesn’t want to worry them. he loves them too much.)
• nicky calls him every couple of weeks to check on him, doesn’t worry about neil not replying as often as a normal human would, just chatters on about erik and their careers and germany. he offers to fly neil up to visit (”maybe for a couple of weeks, you could use a vacation.”) neil says no but the longer he’s at palmetto the more he’s itching to be out of his own skin so he might say yes, maybe. (nicky is safe.)
• but one night he comes out on the roof and andrew is standing there, already smoking a cigarette, looking out across campus and neil is filled with such utter rage at the sight he pulls back a fist to punch andrew in the face.
• andrew blocks it of course, catches neil’s hand in his own and holds it, does the same to the other hand and clamps down, not letting neil move. neil can feel tears streaming down his face but he clenches his jaw in defiance. he wants to hold onto that rage at the pit of his stomach but it’s quickly washing away into such an all consuming sadness that he can’t hold it.
• “you look terrible.” andrew comments.
  
• “go fuck yourself.” neil spits in return.
  
• andrew doesn’t reply, just stares at him and neil jerks his arms to try to get his hands free. andrew doesn’t let him go.
• “what do you want?” neil asks
  
• “i don’t want anything.” andrew says lightly, but he squeezes neil’s hands and neil knows. he knows.
  
• “why did you stop- why did you say-” neil can’t get the words out but andrew understands.
  
• andrew has always understood.
• “there wasn’t supposed to be a this. i don’t-” andrew shakes his head.
  
• i don’t deserve you
• the words are there and neil knows them, knows exactly what andrew was thinking. “you’re an idiot.” he says, “grade-A. biggest idiot i’ve ever met in my life.”
• andrew glares at him, but neil knows it’s not an angry glare. something warm slots itself back into neil’s chest.
• “you’re a mess.” andrew quips, “i told you to stop running.”
  
• “well, i’m an idiot. you need to remind me.” neil would say that this time andrew is the one that ran first, but he doesn’t. (commitment is a big thing and stability is not something that andrew has ever had before neil. he panicked. neil understands. he understands running.)
  
• “yes or no?” 
  
• “always yes.”